Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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