I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
