I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
