I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
false alarm. still invincible.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
