bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
