I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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