I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We were destined to go to rehab together
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
