It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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