Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
