As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
