flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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