Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I currently don't understand fingers.
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