I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
