I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
