I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
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I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
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I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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