fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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