And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
