whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
