Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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