Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
