the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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