I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
