I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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