I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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