Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
