You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
