there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
