I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
