We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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