somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Every concussion has its silver lining
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
