Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
