I didn't shave. On purpose
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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