he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
