Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
