I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
