hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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