Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
