Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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