I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
