You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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