A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
