There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
