You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
