No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
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you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
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he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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