Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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