____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
