and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
