I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
