i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
