I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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