Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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