can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
