Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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