Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Everclear isn't food dammit
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
